Attached, by Levine Amir

Category: Relationships

Ideas I found interesting:

– Attachment system is a mechanism in our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our attachment figures. Need to be with someone who does not activate attachment system often.

– We are emotionally dependent on our partners – no way around it

– People are needy only as their unmet emotional needs. The more effectively dependent people are on each other, the more independent they become. People evolutionary are not built to be emotionally independent. Dependency always exists and on the biological level as well because two become one psychological unit -having such psychological vested interest translates into survival advantage

– Secure base – a child is more exploratory when the attachment figure, the mother is in the room

– Devaluing partner by looking for what’s wrong is a way to create emotional distance – avoidant

– All happiness or unhappiness solely depends on the object to which we are attached by love

– Rise to the occasion and take partner’s needs into account, they need to know what’s expected of them. Experiences are only meaningful when shared with others

– Avoidants are very quick at thinking negatively about their partners seeing them as needy – mainly because of their dismissive attitude toward connectedness

– Avoidant moves just get in a way of your happiness

 

Getting rid of avoidant type:

– Learn to identify deactivating strategies – Always looking for a perfect partner, stop when start noticing imperfections.

– Deemphasize self-reliance and focus on mutual support – will feel stronger once realizes that he has a secure base.

– Find a secure partner – they raise you to their high level and increase your relationship satisfaction. Can easily create the secure base but secures must be careful because they have a lot to lose, their priceless gift.

– Be aware of a tendency to misinterpret behaviors.

– Make a relationship gratitude list.

– Nix the phantom ex.

– Forget about “the one”.

– Adopt the distraction strategy – by doing a task together and letting the guard down.

 

Create secure base:

– be available

– don’t interfere

– encourage

– communicate effectively

– don’t play games

– view yourself responsible for partner’s well-being

– maintain focus on the problem at hand

– wear your heart on your sleeve – be open in your interactions

– don’t make generalizations during the conflict

– douse the flame before it becomes the fire – attend to your partner’s needs before they escalate

 

Learn to effectively communicate your needs.

Afraid that the partner won’t be available when needed Here to stay, no others, no abandonment One thing per contract – Friend not enemy, so follow lessons learned. I’ll give space and not infringe on independence, if rely, will be more independent No revolving door – no jokes like Only think good stuff, not perfect – accept it Break the cycle, communicate

 

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