The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide, by John Gottman

Category: Relationships

Ideas I found interesting:

Soften your startup

Four Horsemen: criticism (vs simple complaint when the character is not attacked), defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling Flooding (physically women are built to handle stress better because they need to sooth themselves during breast feeding. Harder for men to calm down until they retaliated. Hence, women keep nagging and men keep getting defensive and stonewall). Take at least 20 min break off the argument once start feeling flooding.

Failed repair attempts (they help prevent stress). Successful repair attempts prevent four horsemen moving in for good. The quality of friendship is the predictor of success for the repair attempt.

Learn to compromise

Be more tolerant of partners imperfections Then the couple starts rewriting their history from good memories to bad memories – they start thinking negatively of each other.

For every negative experience need to have five positive

1. 100% Intimate love map – when you know what’s important to your partner and pay attention, know goals, worries and hopes
2. 92% Nurture fondness and admiration – very valuable because they prevent contempt. show the partner she is worthy of honor and respect
3. 100% Turn towards each other instead of away – let the partner know that she is valued during the grind of everyday life. Don’t take everyday interactions for granted. How was your day? 15- 20 min each. Learning to discuss stress that’s not caused by  your relationship is the best remedy for long-term. These should be calming down not venting out conversations. The goal is not to find the solution but to offer support and listen.
4. 81% Let your partner influence you – make your spouse a partner in the decision making. Search for common ground vs insisting on doing it your way. 35% – emotionally intelligent men who show respect to their wife s opinions – helps men to better connect emotionally – choosing ‘us’ over ‘me’
5. Perpetual issues (69% of all problems) -these problems don’t have to be resolved if couple learned to live with them. The way out is to share significant dreams. Talk it through and learn to live
6. Solve solvable problems. The main goal is to build ‘we-ness’. Main areas: work stress, sex, kids, in-laws (esp man’s mother and a woman), household chores
7. Create shared meaning

The key to solving all problems is acceptance of partner’s personality and not make feel judged, misunderstood or rejected.

Keep it up:

1. Weekly date to catch up
2. Every morning ask about one thing happening today
3. Reunion – talk out at the end of the day
4. Admiration and appreciation – complements every day, praise
5. Affection – kiss good night

People with higher expectations/standards for their relationship end up with better quality relationships. It’s ok to point out negativity to eradicate it in the beginning.

Two reasons for constant criticism: emotionally unresponsive partner and from within/self-doubt (if consider yourself inadequate, always looking for what’s wrong with yourself and partner). Focus on what’s there and not what’s missing.

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